out of Dodge

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

Today I dumped my world’s biggest asshole. No, that’s not accurate enough. Today I exorcised the man who abused, terrified, mocked, belittled, beat, and diminished me. Today I said the words “fuck you old man, FUCK you” to my step-father. I have been afraid to say that for almost 40 years. I’ve been afraid of walking away from the abusive man who took away my mother and made her as ugly, cruel and vile as he is. Now that I’ve done it I feel GREAT. I’ve burned my bridges, I’m out of The Will and don’t plan on EVER seeing him or my mother again.

My mom was nice, once. The years she was with my dad, and the years it was just my brother, my mother and me, she was great, loving, cool, and generally brilliant. I got from her my love of books and of gardening. She left my dad, an alcoholic, who, it turned out, was a much more compassionate person than my mother eventually became. She once said that he beat her, but she has said so many outrageous and untrue things that I don’t believe this. I lived with him for three years, and he was stubborn, opinionated, forceful and proud, but he was never violent.

So yeah, I’m gone, I’ve got the Fuck out of Dodge, I deleted all of their nasty emails, blocked their email so I won’t receive any more, and blocked their phone number on my phone. Tomorrow is my birthday; this is my birthday present to myself. This, and also I’m having a big party with stupid amounts of food and friends. Life is good, and even when it’s not, it will be my life.

and because I can’t write anything without a little bit of poetry…..

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”

– Pablo Neruda

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